I'm suffering through finals week. It's long and drawn out from Tuesday to Friday. I feel like it's never going to end. Then I can't leave till Sunday because of a grad party I have to go to. Why can't I be a better friend and WANT to go to something like this? Why do I want to be home so much? Home is where my favorite people are. Mom. Kailey.
When did I become so attached? It's like I'm going backwards. Where is my independence I gained after going to college? My real desire is to move back home to be near my mom and my niece and get a job at a coffee shop. My one passion in life at this moment. Working at a coffee shop. Is it okay if I do that for the rest of my life?
My alternative desire is to get married. I know I might look back one day and wish I had enjoyed single life more and not wanted to get married so young. But I'm sick of roommates and of living away from Luke. We have such similar ideas of the enviroment we want to live in. Why can't we just move in together? That might even top living with my mommy. Is it sad that I just want the ring? I could care less about getting married. I just want a guarantee that that's what is going to happen eventually. I hate knowing that so much can change in a short amount of time. Not that a ring will guarantee anything. I hate that it's my life that is postponing these events. It's like trying to pack when you still have to use stuff. Like your toothbrush. Maybe that was a bad analogy. My brain is drained from the stress of trying to study but failing. Does that make sense? I'm to the point where I just want to take my test, pass or fail. I envy Luke's roommate Nolan who can look through a powerpoint for ten minutes and then be ready to take a test. His classes are hard and sciency too. I'm stressing over a 101 class that isn't even in my major.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much about grades. The fact is I'm always with Luke who is the smartest person ever and gets good grades and has amazing studying skills. I feel like such a slacker next to him. I hate that. I can't even imagine what it'll feel like next week when I have no school to worry about. Is that even possible? I feel so pathetic because I'm complaining about easy classes compared to hard ones that most people are taking. Would I trade people skills for inteligence? Right now it's possible. Why do I even care? I could fail this final, get a B or C in the class and be just fine. No that's not true. I already have two C's in my college career and I'm ashamed of them. Why didn't I try harder? Who cares.
Sorry I haven't been writing. I'll probably stop writing sometime again. But for now I'm back.
Hey Chick. Thanks for the update! Have missed you here. Don't you love how when we get older we kinda feel like we're regressing back to what we wanted to get away from our entire life?
ReplyDeleteHehe. Weirdly enough I totally understand the analogy of--not being able to pack until the last minute because you have other stuff waiting for your before you can finish everything up. Life feels like that a lot...like we're living to wait for something to happen in the future. Its as if it is a fight to Live in the moment...feels impossible--which is in itself SO EXhausting don'tcha think?
I'd be okay with the whole coffee shop thing. I really am 60% serious (as opposed to half serious...) about opening a coffee shop/frozen yogurt place....hmmm?? What makes you happy..do that okay?
Ah I feel for you with the whole finals week craziness and how much pressure it is on your shoulders. I guess all I can say is soon it will be over and those stupid tests won't matter. Blip on the radar. And then you can have a GREAT spring break with your people :)
so i feel better FOR you after reading ashlee's little pep talk. so amen to what she said. and i'm out....
ReplyDeleteKIDDING. i have more to say so i'll stay.
first of all, so glad you're back. the blogging world has missed you!! and the main pic of you & luke? so cute! you guys are such an adorable twosome.
and i totally get the "going backwards" thing. i did that after i moved out too. when i realized i didn't know how to cook bacon & other important things. and then sometime during those many many random phone calls, my mom became like my best friend, and i was all like: hmmm.. didn't see that coming. so yah know, just be glad you have a cool mom, and not some pyscho crazy lady. or no mom. or something else awful. anyway, i second the support of your desires in the form of coffee shops. i would so come by your ocffee stand every.single.day. even tho the commute would be a teensy bit longish. i know it sounds annoying (or at least it annoys me anyway) when people say: "just do what makes you happy dude." because thats not really realistic because a). if i said whatever i wanted & did whatever i wanted then i would have no friends, and if i didn't have anyone to love me, then that would defeat the purpose of life and b). i don't have like a million dollars so i can be getting my tan on in the greek isles... but aside from that? if you can try to find a happy medium that is true to your hearts desire, it really usually is the best road, EVEN if it's harder & it takes longer, and it blows up in your face and nobody comes to your coffee shop. (not that that would happen, i'm just saying...) figure out what your goal is? do you want to have loads of money & a PhD? or would you get more satisfaction out of opening a coffee shoppe and leaving all that fancy stuff to mr. luke? lol. and the married thing...? i mean WHO does that anymore!? way ovrrated. marriage is for losers. just kidding, it's the bestest. and i hope your dreams come true, but they are worth waiting for, i promise you that. not that i know a lot about waiting, but i felt like i waited an ETERNITY to marry zane, and it blew all my preconceived ideas of marriage out of the water. because marriage is uh-mazing. just make sure luke is a good guy, so i don't have to beat him up someday. love you
Ok so I just came back and was reading comments and such on your blog..because there are no updates to read.
ReplyDeleteYOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO RESORT TO HERE MISSY!? Yeah. I thought so. Its okay, you don't need to apologize..just DON"T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
anyway. back to the original point... Anna's pep talk was way better and more insightful than mine. PSH-AH. next time. next time.