2 Months and counting

jardín botánico UACH, Valdivia

Okay so it's been awhile. I think about writing alll the time but for some reason I never quite make it to actual writing part. This semester has been so much different than the first semester in Chile. I can't even tell you all the differences. I think I haven't been writing because nothing is new anymore. Which isn't a bad thing it just doesn't give me very many things to write about. Also I've been so incredibly stressed (think mental breakdowns) that i haven't wanted to spread those feelings around. Tonight, however, I'm feeling really good. Like I'm going to make it. Probably because I had sushi for dinner. Ever since I discovered sushi in Valdivia things have been looking up.

I can't believe how fast and how slow this experience is going. The days go fast, the weeks fly by, the months are disappearing, but I feel like July is an eternity away. I miss my family, I'm tired, I'm stressed and I need a vacation. I'm so tired of everyone expecting things from me. Everyone lectures me about how I need to go out more and meet more Chileans. I get so frustrated every time it comes up (at least once or twice a week). It's definitely a culture thing. Agustin, the youngest kid told me yesterday that I was lazy because I spend all of my time in my room. Does no one understand how much I have to do? And when I don't have anything to do (or rather when I'm procrastinating) all I want to do is breathe for a little bit.

If it wasn't for Luke I don't know how I would still be going right now. I have the smartest boyfriend in the world, seriously. He has picked me up from quite a few breakdowns and helped me through all my work load, even while dealing with his. I'm so proud that he's mine.

My host mom has noticed a change in me no matter how much I try to hide it. She can tell I'm tired and worn out. She asked me if I wanted to go home the other day and I had to tell her the truth, even though I felt like I was offending her, though I'm sure she understands. It's not only me, either. Most of the students who have come back for a second semester are getting a little antsy. We are all counting the days.

And today marks three months since I left, and two until I go home. I can't believe that much time has passed. I feel like I've just left and also that I've been gone forever. The time in between semesters has been forgotten and somehow the whole 7 months I've been here have run together. Right now I just have to focus on staying strong. I have to focus on lightening the heavy load on my shoulders and loosening the hand around my heart. While I'm coping much better than last time the stress I'm under this time is attempting to drown me.

On the bright side, it's fall, which has got to be the most beautiful season ever. I missed it in the United States but I was excited to find out that here it is just as good. The trees all change colors slowly and the leaves are raked everyday on campus into giant piles that I always want to run and jump it. The piles are huge! The weather has been nice, way warmer than I expected so I'm enjoying it before things take a turn for the worst.

I'm trying to cherish this experience so I don't look back on it with regret but I feel like there are so many things to look forward to at home. That's what is getting me through the hard times. I'm sure in the years to come I'll look back and wish I had just relaxed and enjoyed myself more, but for now I'm doing what I can to keep my head above water. So for the next two months, I'll just keep counting the days.